Have you ever bothered to notice the bumper stickers on cars driven by assholes?  Much to my detriment, I tend to remember these things.  For example, in the past year, I can recall some of the rudest and most dangerous drivers encountered merely by virtue of their bumper stickers:

• Bush Lied!
• Obama '08
• Proud to be Meat Free
  
• Fox News:  The More You Watch, The Less You Know
  

I particularly enjoyed this last one.  It was one of no fewer than fifty bumper stickers pasted over every square inch of a Subaru Outback.  Clearly, this woman had a lot to say (or she's clinically A.D.D.).  I couldn't take in the rest, because I was preoccupied with avoiding the tart as she careened through a red light with cell phone in ear.  I don't care where she gets her news; she clearly knows less of driving than the rest of us.  And she'll never know how close her self-righteous noggin came to impaction, but for being saved by the skill and awareness of a moderate conservative.  Life isn't fair.  Maybe one of her bumper stickers says, "Sorry I'm such a stupid fucknob."  I'll never know.

By the end of '08, I had made a game of watching the driving habits of the various bumper stickers.  It became quickly evident that "McCain - Palin" stickers, if fewer in number, were far more likely to yield the left lane to faster traffic (cough!) than were "Obama - Biden" stickers.  What's more, "Obama - Biden" stickers were much more likely to return a middle finger when presented with one.  They were also more likely to call the cops when presented with a half-empty Big Gulp to their windshields.  Assholes.

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Several years ago, I had one of those "somebody should invent this" ideas:  Incorporate GPS and digital messaging into Citizens Band radios, so that motorists could alert each other to common road hazards, like ice, floods, high winds and - I'm such a tease - speed traps; all with the touch of a button. Unfortunately, CB radios have limited range. For an ice hazard to remain constant through the night, motorists would have to rediscover and rebroadcast the alert, over and over again. That's no good. Eventually, somebody's gonna slide into your Aunt Gertrude's living room. There goes your inheritance, a swell thimbel collection, featuring the complete "Famous Monsters" series from Franklin Mint. Same thing with speed traps. Either way, Gertie's gonna get nailed.

Enter Trapster (trapster.com). This free service is sorta like my idea, only without all the dorky 1970s horse crap. It has a bunch of other cool stuff too; stuff I never even thought of. God damn it; I'm an idiot.

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Studies in the fields of psychology and artificial intelligence have reported that certain physical characteristics relate to higher intelligence levels in humans.  Chief among these are rapid speech patterns, fast eye movement, frequent blinking, and humor.  We'll dismiss humor outright, being that Janeane Garofalo is a successful comedian, but clearly an idiot.  Then again, she's not particularly funny, so the scientists may still have it right.  Nonetheless, humor doesn't support our forthcoming premise, so we'll follow the modern news media's example and overlook certain facts, because they don't "work" for us.

This leaves us with fast speech, fast eyes and fast lids - all indicators of higher-than-average intelligence.  Clearly, there's a pattern here.  Certain physical events, performed quickly, indicate a quick mind.  Never mind masturbation.  How about driving?  Professional drivers, operating at speeds of 140 MPH and higher - often much higher - collect and process two to three times the volume of information of regular drivers in a given moment.  Throw into this mix a few dozen other Mensa maniacs, all competing for the same patch of asphalt, and you've multiplied the problem of staying alive (not to forget, winning the race) by a few hundred times.  That's a lot of megaflops.

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In every motorist's life, there comes a time we'd like to go "Obi-Wan Kenobi" on a Highway Patrol officer. Ya know, "The Force." An omnipotent stare. A wave of the hand. "You don't need to see my driver's license and registration." The would-be ticketer falls silent, drools, and mutters, "Uh, I don't need to see your driver's license and registration. Move along." Or better still, employ your Jedi power of suggestion to impart a bladder-control problem on the fucknob and take off.

Okay, that's not gonna happen in our universe, young Padawan, but don't give up; there... is... another... another Jedi mind trick available to motorists. We've already discussed California's 11-99 Foundation. In this article, we'll discuss another breed of license plate kung fu that might just influence an officer's opinion in your favor: I'm talking about special "military" license plates.

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Next to highway patrol, a fast driver's greatest threat is probably the road rager (self-importántus assholédias).  This breed of driver worships the left lane, not for its pace, but for its prestige.  He (or she - believe me - or she) sees the highway as a grand equalizer of the social classes and an opportunity to establish a higher rank for himself (or herself) in the natural order.  As in the primal world, such confrontations can be bloody.  Fortunately, for the alert driver, spotting these birds of prey in the wild isn't too difficult - watch for these tell-tale indicators:

• Driver occupies the left lane in the absence of other traffic (I call them "buoys")
  
• Accelerates in response to faster traffic, rather than safely vacating the left lane
• Checks mirrors too frequently.  This often leads to...
  
• Two words:  "Uncomfortable eye-contact"  (Okay, three words)
  
• Upon entering the highway, crosses abruptly to the left lane, and sometimes...
  
• Crosses solid shoulder markers to "beat" other mergers to the left lane
• Exits the highway from the left lane

All together now:  "What an asshole!"

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