In every motorist's life, there comes a time we'd like to go "Obi-Wan Kenobi" on a Highway Patrol officer. Ya know, "The Force." An omnipotent stare. A wave of the hand. "You don't need to see my driver's license and registration." The would-be ticketer falls silent, drools, and mutters, "Uh, I don't need to see your driver's license and registration. Move along." Or better still, employ your Jedi power of suggestion to impart a bladder-control problem on the fucknob and take off.

Okay, that's not gonna happen in our universe, young Padawan, but don't give up; there... is... another... another Jedi mind trick available to motorists. We've already discussed California's 11-99 Foundation. In this article, we'll discuss another breed of license plate kung fu that might just influence an officer's opinion in your favor: I'm talking about special "military" license plates.

Why put a military license plate on your ride?  For starters, it's a badge of well-deserved honor - pure "I've earned a hug" goodness.  More importantly, realize that many a Highway Patrol officer comes to the force (no caps) from the military. The rest are mostly patriotic and respect a fellow comrade in the fight against inter-galactic evil.  Terrorists.  Insurgents.  Renegade robots.  Hippies.  [Hear that, Pelosi?  I said "terrorist" in public!  Oh, the humanity!!!]  For this implicit connection, some officers will give the speeding driver a pass, provided that your infraction isn't ridiculous.

On the downside, er "dark side," a minority of law enforcement officers - these are your chubby-variety speed trappers - will resent you for your honed, killer instinct. You "saw action." You were "in the shit." And, for your chutzpa, Mr. passive-aggressive will slap you with the maximum penalty, if only to prove to himself that he's not intimidated by your ninja-like reflexes.

Another thing to consider before you nip off to DMV:  Understand that military plates won't work their magic for just any innocent speeder - you, the driver, must look the part.  No, I don't mean you should drape ammunition belts over your body, Rambo.  It's more subtle than this.  For example, if you're too young, a "veteran" plate works against you.  You'll be identified as a military brat and issued a ticket out of respect for your strict, conservative parents.  The ticketing officer knows they'll appreciate it.  On the other side of the coin, if you live in Berkeley, California, military license plates are, like, totally uncool. Expect vandalism from local residents. And you wouldn't want such a plate on your Mystery Machine anyways, because the image doesn't jive.  Military volunteers are generally conservative and in good physical condition.  In contrast to your average anti-establishment-squawking hippie, they are well-spoken and respectful of authority figures.  Retired vets are typically older and drive safe, utilitarian vehicles, like Volvos and fuel-unconscious SUVs. "This thing is safe as a tank!"  That said, military plates are equally at home on foreign exotics, vintage hot rods, rusty pickup trucks (gun rack, optional) and Harleys.  Military plates do not belong on the Honda Prius and other miniature, eco-pussy cars.  Not unless it sports a camo paint job.  And gun turrets.  "Outta the left lane, byotch!"  Ratta-tat-tat....

Military plate offerings and availability vary by state.  For example, some states offer military plates to veterans only.  Others offer special plates to each of veterans, active-duty and reserves.  Still others offer plates for every imaginable honor, from Purple Heart to Distinguished Flying Cross.  If you qualify for one of these, grab one - you've earned it - and they possess special über-Jedi powers.  Can you imagine the Highway Patrol officer who issues a speeding ticket to a Medal of Honor recipient?  "I see you took a mortar for our country, sir.  License and registration, please."  I don't care how many drunk drivers he's arrested, that cop is goin' to hell.  Some states even offer conflict-specific plates, such as "Operation Desert Storm."  These are good too, because they further suggest to your friendly neighborhood stormtrooper that you saw combat and deserve a break. Needless to say, you'll need proper documentation to obtain some of these plates.  Others are freely available or impose no validation, perhaps allowing drivers to "show their support" for the troops without necessarily serving.  Again, it varies by state and plate.

Of course, if you don't qualify for any of these plates in your state, you can always enlist.  Semper Fi!