Have you ever bothered to notice the bumper stickers on cars driven by assholes? Much to my detriment, I tend to remember these things. For example, in the past year, I can recall some of the rudest and most dangerous drivers encountered merely by virtue of their bumper stickers:

• Bush Lied!
• Obama '08
• Proud to be Meat Free
  
• Fox News: The More You Watch, The Less You Know
  

I particularly enjoyed this last one. It was one of no fewer than fifty bumper stickers pasted over every square inch of a Subaru Outback. Clearly, this woman had a lot to say (or she's clinically A.D.D.). I couldn't take in the rest, because I was preoccupied with avoiding the tart as she careened through a red light with cell phone in ear. I don't care where she gets her news; she clearly knows less of driving than the rest of us. And she'll never know how close her self-righteous noggin came to impaction, but for being saved by the skill and awareness of a moderate conservative. Life isn't fair. Maybe one of her bumper stickers says, "Sorry I'm such a stupid fucknob." I'll never know.

By the end of '08, I had made a game of watching the driving habits of the various bumper stickers. It became quickly evident that "McCain - Palin" stickers, if fewer in number, were far more likely to yield the left lane to faster traffic (cough!) than were "Obama - Biden" stickers. What's more, "Obama - Biden" stickers were much more likely to return a middle finger when presented with one. They were also more likely to call the cops when presented with a half-empty Big Gulp to their windshields. Assholes.

So, if you die in a fatal car accident - okay, that was redundant - chances are good that the last thing you will ever see is a liberal slogan. Your final thoughts on earth? "I should've updated my living trust." "Hey, that girl's a vegan!" Or, with my luck, I'll survive, only to spend the rest of my pathetic life in a persistent drool, with "Vote for Mother Nature" replaying, again and again, in my damaged neurons. Doctors will wonder why I keep navigating my electronic wheelchair into the pool.

Where am I going with this? A recent study by GMAC Insurance ranks the U.S. states by their residents' driving knowledge. Ranking lowest was, in order of ineptitude, New York, New Jersey, Hawaii, and California. Huh?! Can you say, "Blue states?" That's right, the worst drivers in America are, by "sheer coincidence," found in the most liberal states in the country. And does this play out across the remaining states? Pretty much. With a little help from Microsoft Excel, we see that the average red state falls in 20th place, out of fifty states (and the District of Columbia - we can't forget them). By contrast, the average blue state comes in 29th place, out of 51. In other words, conservative states are 20% more aware of basic driving laws than the more liberal states.

On a philosophical level, the suggestion that Republicans are better drivers makes sense. After all, conservatives favor personal responsibility over entitlements. They generally prefer strict driving exams that guarantee knowledgeable, safe drivers on the road. By contrast, liberals expect driving privileges without restriction. To prohibit a liberal from her God-given, er, "universal" right to drive (while eating and texting her therapist) is either sexism, racism or an out-and-out hate crime, depending on her lawyer. [A good lawyer can get all three, regardless of your gender and ethnicity.]

You see, Liberals figured out long ago that rights can be abused without fear of losing them. By contrast, if driving is a privilege, it speaks of earning it - what a buzzkill - and of paying it and others who share the highway some respect. We can't have that.

To be fair, I've known some Republicans to be absolute pricks behind the wheel of an automobile. Like all things, there's no monopoly on rude behavior. But these statistics may well suggest that, if you're a Democrat, you're 20% more likely to be a prick (or 20% prickier than other pricks) on the road than the rest of us. Don't give me that look.  Knowing that you have a problem is the first step in fixing it. I tell you this out of love.  You can thank me later.

My bumper sticker is bipartisan. It simply reads, "Fuck Tibet. Free the Left Lane!"