Studies in the fields of psychology and artificial intelligence have reported that certain physical characteristics relate to higher intelligence levels in humans.  Chief among these are rapid speech patterns, fast eye movement, frequent blinking, and humor.  We'll dismiss humor outright, being that Janeane Garofalo is a successful comedian, but clearly an idiot.  Then again, she's not particularly funny, so the scientists may still have it right.  Nonetheless, humor doesn't support our forthcoming premise, so we'll follow the modern news media's example and overlook certain facts, because they don't "work" for us.

This leaves us with fast speech, fast eyes and fast lids - all indicators of higher-than-average intelligence.  Clearly, there's a pattern here.  Certain physical events, performed quickly, indicate a quick mind.  Never mind masturbation.  How about driving?  Professional drivers, operating at speeds of 140 MPH and higher - often much higher - collect and process two to three times the volume of information of regular drivers in a given moment.  Throw into this mix a few dozen other Mensa maniacs, all competing for the same patch of asphalt, and you've multiplied the problem of staying alive (not to forget, winning the race) by a few hundred times.  That's a lot of megaflops.

Some will dismiss this to "athletic ability" or "hand-eye coordination."  And then, some have the cognition of a tuna.  A vision-impaired tuna.  "Net?  What net?!"  Sports throw a regular and predictable set of obstacles at an athlete.  With practice, most anybody that isn't physically or mentally challenged can improve measurably.  Given that one cannot improve their intelligence (without modifications to the brain in ways scientists haven't quite figured out yet - God help us), it follows that achievement in sports doesn't relate to intelligence.  This is evident in boxers and defensive line backers.  Quick.  Strong.  Agile.  Dumb as potatoes.  By contrast, racers are said to be "born."  Drivers "take to racing" or "don't have it."  Is it for the money, exposure and parenting that so many successful racers come from successful racing families?  Or is it in the DNA?

Sure, practice helps, but from this I will conclude (sorta selfishly), that faster drivers aren't merely well-practiced monkeys, but excel in recognizing and processing spatial relationships, a standard component of modern IQ tests.  When athletes reach their physical ceiling, they retire (or take steroids).  By contrast, racers aren't so constrained - the car is their replaceable body and a physical extension of their mind.  The wide range in ages of professional drivers supports this.  Hell, the range in ages of highway drivers supports this.  Clearly, driving is a measurement of mental activity and ability, or Gramps wouldn't be driving the Lincoln with such verve up the down ramp.

So, what's the point of suggesting that faster drivers are smarter than the rest?  Clearly, I have an agenda, but then I also recognize that our society resents smart people.  I must proceed with caution.  For example, when was the last time you appreciated some self-righteous needle-dick proclaiming his Mensa membership?  We respect them, but at the same time, we want to kick their collective ass.  Don't deny it.  Let it loose.  "What're you lookin' at, four-eyes?!"  I once had a colleague - a particularly arrogant dork of a colleague - brag that he had qualified for Mensa, but turned it down because "they're a bunch of snobs."  Oh, sweet angel of irony, kick me not.

Now, to my agenda:  Those who argue for slower speeds on our highways are clearly less intelligent than the rest of us.  While Germany's Autobahn rushes along at unlimited speeds and with higher safety standards than our own highways, a gaggle of mouth-breathers use safety as an excuse to slow things down for the sake of their own limited brain capacities.  In other words, they want traffic to move more slowly because they themselves are "moving more slowly," if you catch my not-so-subtle drift.  Meanwhile, stuck at ridiculously low speeds, drivers with higher IQs are bored on a dangerous level.  While navigating our highways, they entertain their under-utilized brains with cell phone conversations and text messaging.  [By extension, it follows that anybody texting while driving is a genius.  Okay, my theory needs some ironing....]

To conclude, if Janeane can label tax protesters "tea-bagging racists," then proponents of an American Autobahn initiative can certainly label their opponents, well, "idiots."  Abstract thinking.  It's another indicator of intelligence.  I think.