Happy Lanes

Are Republicans Better Drivers?

2009-06-28T04:06:00Z

Have you ever bothered to notice the bumper stickers on cars driven by assholes? Much to my detriment, I tend to remember these things. For example, in the past year, I can recall some of the rudest and most dangerous drivers encountered merely by virtue of their bumper stickers:

Bush Lied!
Obama '08
Proud to be Meat Free
Fox News: The More You Watch, The Less You Know

RANK
1
1
3
4
5
5
7
8
8
8
8
12
12
14
15
15
17
17
19
20
21
22
22
24
24
26
26
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
38
40
40
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51

U.S. STATE

IDAHO

WISCONSIN

MONTANA

KANSAS

NEBRASKA

SOUTH DAKOTA

UTAH

IOWA

MINNESOTA

OREGON

WYOMING

ALASKA

NORTH DAKOTA

VERMONT

COLORADO

MISSOURI

OKLAHOMA

WASHINGTON

NEW MEXICO

NORTH CAROLINA

VIRGINIA

INDIANA

MICHIGAN

ARKANSAS

TEXAS

ALABAMA

NEVADA

WEST VIRGINIA

ILLINOIS

ARIZONA

MAINE

DELAWARE

NEW HAMPSHIRE

OHIO

KENTUCKY

PENNSYLVANIA

LOUISIANA

MISSISSIPPI

TENNESSEE

MARYLAND

SOUTH CAROLINA

CONNECTICUT

FLORIDA

DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA

MASSACHUSETTS

RHODE ISLAND

GEORGIA

CALIFORNIA

HAWAII

NEW JERSEY

NEW YORK

I particularly enjoyed this last one. It was one of no fewer than fifty bumper stickers pasted over every square inch of a Subaru Outback. Clearly, this woman had a lot to say (or she's clinically A.D.D.). I couldn't take in the rest, because I was preoccupied with avoiding the tart as she careened through a red light with cell phone in ear. I don't care where she gets her news; she clearly knows less of driving than the rest of us. And she'll never know how close her self-righteous noggin came to impaction, but for being saved by the skill and awareness of a moderate conservative. Life isn't fair. Maybe one of her bumper stickers says, "Sorry I'm such a stupid fucknob." I'll never know.

By the end of '08, I had made a game of watching the driving habits of the various bumper stickers. It became quickly evident that "McCain - Palin" stickers, if fewer in number, were far more likely to yield the left lane to faster traffic (cough!) than were "Obama - Biden" stickers. What's more, "Obama - Biden" stickers were much more likely to return a middle finger when presented with one. They were also more likely to call the cops when presented with a half-empty Big Gulp to their windshields. Assholes.

So, if you die in a fatal car accident - okay, that was redundant - chances are good that the last thing you will ever see is a liberal slogan. Your final thoughts on earth? "I should've updated my living trust." "Hey, that girl's a vegan!" Or, with my luck, I'll survive, only to spend the rest of my pathetic life in a persistent drool, with "Vote for Mother Nature" replaying, again and again, in my damaged neurons. Doctors will wonder why I keep navigating my electronic wheelchair into the pool.

Where am I going with this? A recent study by GMAC Insurance ranks the U.S. states by their residents' driving knowledge. Ranking lowest was, in order of ineptitude, New York, New Jersey, Hawaii, and California. Huh?! Can you say, "Blue states?" That's right, the worst drivers in America are, by "sheer coincidence," found in the most liberal states in the country. And does this play out across the remaining states? Pretty much. With a little help from Microsoft Excel, we see that the average red state falls in 20th place, out of fifty states (and the District of Columbia - we can't forget them). By contrast, the average blue state comes in 29th place, out of 51. In other words, conservative states are 20% more aware of basic driving laws than the more liberal states.

On a philosophical level, the suggestion that Republicans are better drivers makes sense. After all, conservatives favor personal responsibility over entitlements. They generally prefer strict driving exams that guarantee knowledgeable, safe drivers on the road. By contrast, liberals expect driving privileges without restriction. To prohibit a liberal from her God-given, er, "universal" right to drive (while eating and texting her therapist) is either sexism, racism or an out-and-out hate crime, depending on her lawyer. [A good lawyer can get all three, regardless of your gender and ethnicity.]

You see, Liberals figured out long ago that rights can be abused without fear of losing them. By contrast, if driving is a privilege, it speaks of earning it - what a buzzkill - and of paying it and others who share the highway some respect. We can't have that.

To be fair, I've known some Republicans to be absolute pricks behind the wheel of an automobile. Like all things, there's no monopoly on rude behavior. But these statistics may well suggest that, if you're a Democrat, you're 20% more likely to be a prick (or 20% prickier than other pricks) on the road than the rest of us. Don't give me that look. Knowing that you have a problem is the first step in fixing it. I tell you this out of love. You can thank me later.

My bumper sticker is bipartisan. It simply reads, "Fuck Tibet. Free the Left Lane!"

Society's Answer to Speed Traps: Trapster

2009-05-12T12:05:00Z

Several years ago, I had one of those "somebody should invent this" ideas: Incorporate GPS and digital messaging into Citizens Band radios, so that motorists could alert each other to common road hazards, like ice, floods, high winds and - I'm such a tease - speed traps; all with the touch of a button. Unfortunately, CB radios have limited range. For an ice hazard to remain constant through the night, motorists would have to rediscover and rebroadcast the alert, over and over again. That's no good. Eventually, somebody's gonna slide into your Aunt Gertrude's living room. There goes your inheritance, a swell thimbel collection, featuring the complete "Famous Monsters" series from Franklin Mint. Same thing with speed traps. Either way, Gertie's gonna get nailed.

Enter Trapster (trapster.com). This free service is sorta like my idea, only without all the dorky 1970s horse crap. It has a bunch of other cool stuff too; stuff I never even thought of. God damn it; I'm an idiot.

Trapster is brilliantly simple: when you witness a speed trap, you press a button on your GPS-enabled cell phone. The cell phone communicates your exact location to Trapster's Internet website which, in turn, stores and forwards the alert to other cell phones in the same geographic location. What's more, Trapster plants a virtual "buoy" at the location and continues these alerts for 30 minutes or more, depending on the type of threat you reported. Groovy!

Trapster is one of the new "social networking" applications, like the wildly popular Wikipedia. As such, it is open to the public and is only as reliable as the people who use it. But that's not a bad thing, given the number of drivers who claim to resent speed traps - most do. So, what's to prevent a police officer or a speed-limit zealot from sabotaging Trapster with bogus data? Not much, but without validation from the community, they're unlikely to make a dent. Over time, legitimate traps and members earn trust, or "confidence" from fellow members. Users can opt to filter alerts by confidence, leaving any false alarms in the proverbial dust. Not to get all anarchistic or anything, but Trapster demonstrates a perfect application of social networking - harnessing the passion of a population misrepresented (and punished) by its "representative" government. "Booya! Let's revolution up in this bitch!" Sorry. It just sorta slipped out.

I've beta-tested and road-tested Trapster for nearly a year now and over a few thousand miles of pavement. Technically, it works. What's missing? Critical mass. For Trapster to alert you to a live speed trap, somebody between you and said trap must identify and report it before you're in range. Assuming a rural highway with limited congestion (one vehicle per 500 feet of highway) and an average speed of 60 MPH, only 600 vehicles will pass the speed trap (both directions) in thirty minutes. With a population of 300 million in the USA, a very rough estimation of critical mass comes at around 500,000 active, on-the-road (e.g., truckers, cab drivers) Trapster users. More realistically, your trap will pop up less than five miles away. [The rest will be gone or will have pulled somebody else over by the time you get there.] Here, traffic volume is your friend (right up until it impedes your progress). Assuming a five-mile distance to the trap and a populated area (1 vehicle per 100 feet distributed across eight lanes of beltway), we arrive at an estimated critical mass of 600,000 active Trapster users. Of course, this is wildly speculative, but it helps to put things in perspective. It's safe to conclude that Trapster will become reliable (and perhaps, sentient) when it can boast several million members in the United States alone. At its current rate of growth, this is perhaps only a year or two away.

In the meantime, Trapster recognizes this shortcoming and answers with a worthwhile half-step solution: In addition to live speed traps, members can report fixed-location alerts for speed cameras, red-light cameras and common speed trap locations. Trapster even permits unfettered downloading of its accumulated data into any GPS device that supports an editable Point-of-Interest (POI) database. I tested this feature with Garmin's Nuvi and a GPS-equipped Uniden BCT15 police radio scanner. Now, both chirp happily (each in different cars, mind you) when approaching a fixed-position hazard. Pretty cool. Of course, if you require an audible reminder to stop at red lights, then you should probably pull to the side of the road right now and set fire to your cell phone. And your driver's license.

Predictably, Trapster's free-love approach to data security has enabled some cheap knock-offs and newfangled speed trap "detectors" seen in the back pages of magazines. Goddamn opportunists. I'm surprised Bill Gates hasn't jumped on this one yet, with "Microsoft Trap." This market confusion doesn't help Trapster's adoption rate any, but what else can Trapster do? Secure the community-generated data? Charge membership fees? Say g'bye to critical mass. Clearly, Trapster got it right.

Trapster is a young app, and improving daily. Without being too critical - I'm a huge fan - here's a few features I'm holding my breath for:

Trapster doesn't yet allow for road hazard alerts, such as dangerous curves, accidents or ice. These could easily be added and might just legitimize Trapster for a much broader audience.
Trapster doesn't jive well with roving police cruisers, being that Trapster's alerts are fixed to a single location. Should you report a "live police" cruiser passing in the opposite direction? Will it hurt your Trapster reputation when others refute the alert?
Trapster doesn't aggregate alerts. To gain a sense of "threat level" you must closely monitor and keep mental count of individual alerts. This is tedious and can distract from your driving.

Fortunately, these last two shortcomings can be addressed through server-side data mining. I know from conversations with Trapster's founder, Pete Tenereillo, that the service already keeps a historical record of "live police" alerts. Imagine that Trapster factored in the time, date, proximity, confidence and volume of all current and historical alerts in your area. From this, Trapster could automatically deliver a cumulative threat level. For example, a high-confidence "common hiding place" might trigger "DEFCON 4" by itself or "DEFCON 3" towards the end of the month (when police are known by Trapster to increase activity). Throw in a "live police" alert and Trapster could deliver a "DEFCON 1" alarm and perhaps a shock to your nipples (with optional hardware). Furthermore, by correlating "moving police" alerts together, Trapster could identify dangerous "routes." When "live police" are reported on the route, the alert level for the entire route would increase. Put this all together and the problem of critical mass is greatly reduced. Far fewer "live police" alerts are required to determine what's likely to be happening in your area.

If you're a police officer reading this, you're probably soiling your Kevlar shorts right about now. What better way to beat an oppressive Big Brother than with a Bigger Brother? He - that is, Trapster, er, society - will monitor your every move and report your activities to the world. The only way to undermine an intelligent system like this is to abandon repetition - to abandon speed traps. This takes officers out of their favorite hiding places and puts them back in traffic, where they belong, exercising their God-given faculties and citing drivers for bad driving. Suck it up, pinheads! Looks like you'll have to earn your paycheck, after all, just like the rest of us.

If you're as excited by Trapster as I am, then it behooves you to promote it. Until we reach critical mass, the love you put into Trapster isn't likely to come back when you need it. You know... at that shaded underpass. Here's what you can do:

Purchase a Trapster T-shirt from the website and talk it up when people ask. I've had people hug me for sharing this with them.
Pitch Trapster at your next car club event.
Take an ad out in your local newspaper.
Hug a trucker. Perhaps the quickest way to saturate our highways with active Trapster users is through commercial drivers.

When this goes viral in the commercial driving community - after all, they stand to benefit from this more than any of us - then we might just see a return to the glory days of CB radio. Only better. Much better.

"Breaker One Nine. Trapster kicks ass. Pass it on. Over."

Are Fast Drivers More Intelligent?

2009-04-24T01:04:07Z

Studies in the fields of psychology and artificial intelligence have reported that certain physical characteristics relate to higher intelligence levels in humans. Chief among these are rapid speech patterns, fast eye movement, frequent blinking, and humor. We'll dismiss humor outright, being that Janeane Garofalo is a successful comedian, but clearly an idiot. Then again, she's not particularly funny, so the scientists may still have it right. Nonetheless, humor doesn't support our forthcoming premise, so we'll follow the modern news media's example and overlook certain facts, because they don't "work" for us.

This leaves us with fast speech, fast eyes and fast lids - all indicators of higher-than-average intelligence. Clearly, there's a pattern here. Certain physical events, performed quickly, indicate a quick mind. Never mind masturbation. How about driving? Professional drivers, operating at speeds of 140 MPH and higher - often much higher - collect and process two to three times the volume of information of regular drivers in a given moment. Throw into this mix a few dozen other Mensa maniacs, all competing for the same patch of asphalt, and you've multiplied the problem of staying alive (not to forget, winning the race) by a few hundred times. That's a lot of megaflops.

Some will dismiss this to "athletic ability" or "hand-eye coordination." And then, some have the cognition of a tuna. A vision-impaired tuna. "Net? What net?!" Sports throw a regular and predictable set of obstacles at an athlete. With practice, most anybody that isn't physically or mentally challenged can improve measurably. Given that one cannot improve their intelligence (without modifications to the brain in ways scientists haven't quite figured out yet - God help us), it follows that achievement in sports doesn't relate to intelligence. This is evident in boxers and defensive line backers. Quick. Strong. Agile. Dumb as potatoes. By contrast, racers are said to be "born." Drivers "take to racing" or "don't have it." Is it for the money, exposure and parenting that so many successful racers come from successful racing families? Or is it in the DNA?

Sure, practice helps, but from this I will conclude (sorta selfishly), that faster drivers aren't merely well-practiced monkeys, but excel in recognizing and processing spatial relationships, a standard component of modern IQ tests. When athletes reach their physical ceiling, they retire (or take steroids). By contrast, racers aren't so constrained - the car is their replaceable body and a physical extension of their mind. The wide range in ages of professional drivers supports this. Hell, the range in ages of highway drivers supports this. Clearly, driving is a measurement of mental activity and ability, or Gramps wouldn't be driving the Lincoln with such verve up the down ramp.

So, what's the point of suggesting that faster drivers are smarter than the rest? Clearly, I have an agenda, but then I also recognize that our society resents smart people. I must proceed with caution. For example, when was the last time you appreciated some self-righteous needle-dick proclaiming his Mensa membership? We respect them, but at the same time, we want to kick their collective ass. Don't deny it. Let it loose. "What're you lookin' at, four-eyes?!" I once had a colleague - a particularly arrogant dork of a colleague - brag that he had qualified for Mensa, but turned it down because "they're a bunch of snobs." Oh, sweet angel of irony, kick me not.

Now, to my agenda: Those who argue for slower speeds on our highways are clearly less intelligent than the rest of us. While Germany's Autobahn rushes along at unlimited speeds and with higher safety standards than our own highways, a gaggle of mouth-breathers use safety as an excuse to slow things down for the sake of their own limited brain capacities. In other words, they want traffic to move more slowly because they themselves are "moving more slowly," if you catch my not-so-subtle drift. Meanwhile, stuck at ridiculously low speeds, drivers with higher IQs are bored on a dangerous level. While navigating our highways, they entertain their under-utilized brains with cell phone conversations and text messaging. [By extension, it follows that anybody texting while driving is a genius. Okay, my theory needs some ironing....]

To conclude, if Janeane can label tax protesters "tea-bagging racists," then proponents of an American Autobahn initiative can certainly label their opponents, well, "idiots." Abstract thinking. It's another indicator of intelligence. I think.

Traffic Stop Mojo: Military License Plates

2009-03-26T01:03:46Z

In every motorist's life, there comes a time we'd like to go "Obi-Wan Kenobi" on a Highway Patrol officer. Ya know, "The Force." An omnipotent stare. A wave of the hand. "You don't need to see my driver's license and registration." The would-be ticketer falls silent, drools, and mutters, "Uh, I don't need to see your driver's license and registration. Move along." Or better still, employ your Jedi power of suggestion to impart a bladder-control problem on the fucknob and take off.

Okay, that's not gonna happen in our universe, young Padawan, but don't give up; there... is... another... another Jedi mind trick available to motorists. We've already discussed California's 11-99 Foundation. In this article, we'll discuss another breed of license plate kung fu that might just influence an officer's opinion in your favor: I'm talking about special "military" license plates.

Why put a military license plate on your ride? For starters, it's a badge of well-deserved honor - pure "I've earned a hug" goodness. More importantly, realize that many a Highway Patrol officer comes to the force (no caps) from the military. The rest are mostly patriotic and respect a fellow comrade in the fight against inter-galactic evil. Terrorists. Insurgents. Renegade robots. Hippies. [Hear that, Pelosi? I said "terrorist" in public! Oh, the humanity!!!] For this implicit connection, some officers will give the speeding driver a pass, provided that your infraction isn't ridiculous.

On the downside, er "dark side," a minority of law enforcement officers - these are your chubby-variety speed trappers - will resent you for your honed, killer instinct. You "saw action." You were "in the shit." And, for your chutzpa, Mr. passive-aggressive will slap you with the maximum penalty, if only to prove to himself that he's not intimidated by your ninja-like reflexes.

Another thing to consider before you nip off to DMV: Understand that military plates won't work their magic for just any innocent speeder - you, the driver, must look the part. No, I don't mean you should drape ammunition belts over your body, Rambo. It's more subtle than this. For example, if you're too young, a "veteran" plate works against you. You'll be identified as a military brat and issued a ticket out of respect for your strict, conservative parents. The ticketing officer knows they'll appreciate it. On the other side of the coin, if you live in Berkeley, California, military license plates are, like, totally uncool. Expect vandalism from local residents. And you wouldn't want such a plate on your Mystery Machine anyways, because the image doesn't jive. Military volunteers are generally conservative and in good physical condition. In contrast to your average anti-establishment-squawking hippie, they are well-spoken and respectful of authority figures. Retired vets are typically older and drive safe, utilitarian vehicles, like Volvos and fuel-unconscious SUVs. "This thing is safe as a tank!" That said, military plates are equally at home on foreign exotics, vintage hot rods, rusty pickup trucks (gun rack, optional) and Harleys. Military plates do not belong on the Honda Prius and other miniature, eco-pussy cars. Not unless it sports a camo paint job. And gun turrets. "Outta the left lane, byotch!" Ratta-tat-tat....

Military plate offerings and availability vary by state. For example, some states offer military plates to veterans only. Others offer special plates to each of veterans, active-duty and reserves. Still others offer plates for every imaginable honor, from Purple Heart to Distinguished Flying Cross. If you qualify for one of these, grab one - you've earned it - and they possess special über-Jedi powers. Can you imagine the Highway Patrol officer who issues a speeding ticket to a Medal of Honor recipient? "I see you took a mortar for our country, sir. License and registration, please." I don't care how many drunk drivers he's arrested, that cop is goin' to hell. Some states even offer conflict-specific plates, such as "Operation Desert Storm." These are good too, because they further suggest to your friendly neighborhood stormtrooper that you saw combat and deserve a break. Needless to say, you'll need proper documentation to obtain some of these plates. Others are freely available or impose no validation, perhaps allowing drivers to "show their support" for the troops without necessarily serving. Again, it varies by state and plate.

Of course, if you don't qualify for any of these plates in your state, you can always enlist. Semper Fi!

Road Rage Countermeasure: The "Highway Zapper"

2009-02-23T02:02:36Z

Next to highway patrol, a fast driver's greatest threat is probably the road rager (self-importántus assholédias). This breed of driver worships the left lane, not for its pace, but for its prestige. He (or she - believe me - or she) sees the highway as a grand equalizer of the social classes and an opportunity to establish a higher rank for himself (or herself) in the natural order. As in the primal world, such confrontations can be bloody. Fortunately, for the alert driver, spotting these birds of prey in the wild isn't too difficult - watch for these tell-tale indicators:

Driver occupies the left lane in the absence of other traffic (I call them "buoys")
Accelerates in response to faster traffic, rather than safely vacating the left lane
Checks mirrors too frequently. This often leads to...
Two words: "Uncomfortable eye-contact" (Okay, three words)
Upon entering the highway, crosses abruptly to the left lane, and sometimes...
Crosses solid shoulder markers to "beat" other mergers to the left lane
Exits the highway from the left lane

All together now: "What an asshole!"

The majority of road ragers aren't particularly fast - they often travel at just a few miles-per-hour over the prevailing flow, just fast enough to warrant (to themselves) their occupation of the proverbial "fast" lane, but slow enough to avoid a serious speeding ticket. [For the record, educated drivers recognize no "fast" lane, only "passing" lanes. They embrace the mantra, "pass left - cruise right" at any speed.] In modest congestion, the road rager is sometimes content to "go with the flow" of the left lane, even when inner lanes are unoccupied. That is, until somebody passes them. At this moment of conjunction, the road rager snaps. All manner of maneuvers - legal or otherwise (and typically, otherwise) are made in a violent effort to prevent the upstart from upsetting the dominant bull's (or cow's) position in the highway herd. If you're anything like me, you drive fast but courteously, and you've had your fill of these self-righteous perverts. I have a solution.

The "Highway Zapper" is a small microwave radio transmitter developed by Electronic Rainbow - a tool for "speed kills" zealots to slow down or, more accurately, "scare the crap out of" faster drivers by activating their radar detectors. "Woo hoo! I almost made that speeder wreck!" As it turns out, a byproduct of the federal 55 MPH speed limit was a rift created between drivers who obeyed the law (however unpopular it had become) and those who did not. These passive-aggressive pinheads gobbled up Zappers from the back pages of Popular Mechanics magazine; right up until the FCC layed down the proverbial kibosh on sales of the dubious transmitters. You can imagine the outcry: "But we're doing God's work!"

No doubt, you're wondering why such a device would be valuable to a speed-loving driver, especially if said driver is generally courteous and non-confrontational. Well, imagine that you're cruising an open stretch of Interstate at 20 MPH over the posted limit. All is calm. All is right. You approach a buoy who refuses to vacate the left lane. After a moment, you signal your intentions and cautiously overtake him on the inside lane. He speeds up, accelerating only enough to prevent you from passing, perhaps relying on right-lane traffic to "scrape you off" his flank. Or maybe you pass smoothly, but now he's tailgating you. Either way, you back off, accepting his offer to "take point" (a designation of respect among fast drivers traveling, cooperating together). He slows down for fear of a speeding ticket. Tempers flare. What now? Do you go "balls out" and risk an incident? Or do you spend the next twenty miles stuck behind this dangerous 'tard?

Enter the Zapper. Like it or not, the majority of road ragers do own radar detectors. Again, they don't necessarily need radar detectors for their modest adventures over the posted limit, but their type-A personalities gravitate to any such device (or trophy) of empowerment. This is good. We're going to shove some type-B humility into a type-A hole. [Extra points for the double double entendre, anyone? Anyone? "Bueller?"] Returning to our hypothetical story, you follow casually and size up the road ahead. When things are clear, you pass the unsuspecting rube and engage your Zapper. Radar detectors in both vehicles go berserk, indicating a nearby, instant-on speed trap. You ignore the alert and quickly put a quarter mile of highway between the two of you. He gives up without chase, still looking for the patrol car and thanking the heavens for so narrowly escaping a well-deserved "road raging" ticket - an automatic and very serious "reckless driving" charge in many states. Problem solved. Justice served. You resume your cruising speed. He resumes his. You've just deflated a dangerous situation and in an entirely passive manner. How great is that?!

On the downside, not every road rager operates a radar detector. Always, but always, maintain your decorum. This way, when your Highway Zapper fizzles - and it will - you've done nothing to worsen the situation.

So, where can you find a Zapper? Though the federal 55 MPH limit (or "double-nickel" if you're super-hip in 1976) was abolished in 1995, I'm sorry to say that Zappers are still in high demand. Occasionally, they appear on eBay and go quickly, for between $40 and $80. Watch carefully for "Highway Zapper," "Zapper II," "Radar Detector Tester" and "Radar Detector Activator." When this comes up nuts, save your search and enable e-mail notification - you're likely to have a long wait. Alternately, if you're handy with a soldering iron, you might find do-it-yourself kits and schematics online. To avoid FCC suspicion, these have been marketed as "Radio Frequency Test Tone Generators," "Morse Code Testers," or "Morse Code Keyers" but with a selectable frequency range that strays ever-so-slightly outside of the allowed HAM radio frequencies and into speed radar territory. Other kits and plans require rare parts and can be difficult to tune to the proper frequency, once built. To clarify, your transmitter must operate in one of these frequency ranges: X band (10.475 - 10.575 GHz), K band (24.0 - 24.25 GHz) or Ka band (33.4 - 36.0 GHz). K or Ka bands are preferred, being that these are most popular among police agencies. By contrast, X band is older and often dismissed by drivers (and correctly so) for generating too many false alerts. Unfortunately, all of the schematics I've come across incorporate an X band antenna. I bought my Zapper, er, "radar detector tester" on eBay, after waiting several months for one to show up. Surprisingly, it transmits in the Ka band - without a doubt, the best frequency for faking a legitimate police speed radar alert in most states.

Is it legal to operate a Zapper on the highway? Some will argue that the transmitting power of these devices falls well within the FCC's allowances. Others will argue that it's legal to operate a "Morse Code generator" in the designated HAM radio bands - you do have an amateur radio license, don't you? - and that a device designed for such activity isn't illegal to own, even if it's frequency selector has "strayed" a little. But then, good luck explaining that one to Highway Patrol. "No, sir. It's not a Zapper - whatever that is - it's my Morse Code transmitter" ...and then you might as well hand him a kilo of cocaine, 'cause "you and your drug-running buddies" are gettin' a full body cavity search. Rather than risk it, I'd play it safe and keep this countermeasure well out of sight.

"Shields up, Mr. Sulu." Be good!

How to Remove Garmin's "Permanent" Adhesive Disk from Your Dashboard

2009-01-14T04:01:24Z

If you're anything like me, you're a complete idiot. Granted, we all dabble in idiocy from time to time, but I'm what you call "a professional." For example, only an idiot would affix a Garmin StreetPilot 2620 GPS navigation unit to the dashboard of a Porsche 996 using the company's "permanent" double-sided adhesive disk. All together now: "What an idiot!"

In my defense, Garmin's StreetPilot 2620 was the height of innovation - something to be proud of, something to glue to your most expensive automobile, if not your forehead. Furthermore, every safety-conscious driver knows that it's bad news to put anything on your dashboard "that isn't glued down." This is especially true if you employ your GPS in rallies or other open road races where safety inspectors will reject anything stuck to your dash that isn't "permanent." Nonetheless, by today's standards, this GPS unit is an embarrassing pimple. It's time to squeeze.

So, how to remove this dinosaur from your dash without regrets? There's plenty of advice on the Internet, some of it bad. Very bad. The best I've seen is guitar string, but then how many of us have one of these lying around? If you do, it's hopefully strung in your guitar where it belongs, inconvenient as this may be for our diabolical purposes here. Furthermore, I will recommend against chemicals altogether, being that the wrong chemotherapy can destroy any dashboard. The only tools you will need for this job are:

Fishing Line (or a guitar string)
A plastic putty knife
Standard-issue automobile vinyl cleaner
A clean terry towel

The process is quite simple, but requires some patience. Here are the steps:

Use your line as a garrote, sliding it back and forth, cutting through the adhesive. This is the same method one might use to, say, kill an ex-girlfriend. This is not to suggest that this author would ever consider such a thing - but seriously, I want my fucking CD collection back, you whore!
Be gentle, with long, gliding strokes. Pull too hard and the line will get stuck and break. You'll know it's working when the line tugs and collects a black residue.
Rather than cut completely through - this could take hours - move your line around the disk to work away at the edges. You may find a weak spot that permits you to cut well into the disk.
Remove your line. Wait for blood and feeling to return to your finger tips.
Insert your plastic putty knife into the largest opening created by your line. Without excessive force, push the knife in as far as it will easily go and try to lift the disk from your dash.
If the disk won't lift away, reinsert your fishing line and repeat.
When the disk comes off, lightly pull away any glue that you can with your fingers. Then, use a fingernail to lightly scrape away as much residue as you can, being careful not to apply any real pressure or overwork the area. Even if you don't scratch your beloved dashboard, push too hard and you might leave a permanent impression or a wear mark.
Apply vinyl cleaner to your terry towel and scrub away any remaining residue from your dash. If you really care to know, I prefer McGuire's Vinyl & Rubber Cleaner for all my vinyl and rubber cleaning chores. Because vinyl cleaners contain no solvents, this will require time and patience. Inspect your towel regularly for dirt and reapply cleaner as needed. Keep it up until your rag comes up clean and your dash looks like new. Needless to say, if your dash is leather - idiot!!! - use leather upholstery cleaner instead.

In the final photograph at right, you might make out a dimple or two where the adhesive disk was glued down. These minor indentations resulted from scraping away the glue with my fingernail a bit too aggressively. Fortunately, these are minor and should pop out on their own, but nonetheless serve as a valuable warning: Be patient with your vinyl cleaner and towel; don't overwork your dash with fingernail or other scraper. When scraping, scrape but do not 'dig.'

I hope this is helpful.

What is California Highway Patrol's "11-99 Foundation?"

2008-12-27T10:12:54Z

Everyone loves a good conspiracy theory. I'm from Nevada - it's what we do here. Aliens. Area 51. Disemboweled cows. ["Oh my!"] And if it's not about flying saucers, you can bet your government bail-out check that it's a cover-up for something even more diabolical, something too weird and sexual to imagine. What it is, we don't know, but they're doing it, and getting away with it too. Meanwhile, just next door in free-lovin' California, they can't keep a secret - not even a good one like California Highway Patrol's 11-99 Foundation. This one has everything: cops, speeders, bribes, corruption and a secret society. No dead aliens. Shit.

What is California's 11-99 Foundation? According to the glossy brochure, it's a 27-year-old charitable organization that benefits the employees and families of California Highway Patrol (CHP) "in times of crisis." Huh. Sounds suspicious to me. The organization's name is derived from California's police radio code for "officer needs help." Premium or "Gold" membership was lifelong and exclusive, to the tune of five-thousand dollars or, more recently, $1,800. Benefits of premium membership included a license plate frame, advertising "Member - 11-99 Foundation," a plaque, a personalized membership ID and a police-style badge and wallet, authentic enough to scare the piss out of your neighborhood drug dealer. "You're under arrest, asshole - just kidding!" Hilarious. And that's where the official documentation ends.

Unofficially, members will tell you that those credentials are better than a Wonka golden ticket in a chocolate famine. So respected are those credentials by California Highway Patrol that you'll blow through speed traps without so much as a blink from Erik Estrada. And even if you do get pulled over, your prominently-displayed badge has strong Jedi powers, sufficient to turn tickets into not-so-stern warnings. And a hug. That's how the story goes, anyways. And according to nearly a dozen members interviewed for this article, it's all true - not one would tell me that they had received a ticket from the time they joined the 11-99 Foundation - not in California, anyways.

So, what happened? How do I join? "Last question first, please!" Unfortunately, in October of 2008, the 11-99 Foundation was forced to modify its membership operations when rumors of the organization's unofficial benefits were made public in a Mercedes-Benz Internet discussion forum. One can argue that it was only a matter of time - after all, in September the Foundation's board had already decided to discontinue issuance of plate frames, beginning in 2009. [Others will argue that Mercedes drivers are, by extension, a bunch of loose-lipped stool pigeons.] Needless to say, this prompted outrage from more than just the usual 'speed kills' zealots. Accusations of corruption and more erupted and appear to have brought an early end to the availability of those valuable 'get-out-of-jail-free' goodies.

For the record, if you're jonesin' for an 11-99 Foundation license plate frame, eBay is your friend, although authentic frames are very, very rare and have only appreciated in value since their apparent discontinuation. Counterfeit 11-99 Foundation license plate frames are sometimes available and sell for between three and five hundred dollars, but aren't always convincing. In fact, some are downright dopey. I can think of few better ways to get a ticket (and perhaps a Rodney King-style beating) than with a dorky rip-off 11-99 Foundation plate frame. Just kick a cop in the nuts, why don'tcha?

For certain, I don't condone the practice of paying 'protection money' to law enforcement, but the 11-99 Foundation demonstrates an important, if revolutionary, concept - that speed enforcement can be personalized. In fact, this has already been demonstrated to a lesser degree by HOV lanes and reduced speed limits for trucks and trailers. On Europe's Autobahn, lanes are individually marked with overhead digital speed limit signs, displaying maximum safe (or unlimited) speeds in accordance with prevailing conditions. Clearly, logistics do not prevent us from applying separate privileges to individual vehicles or lanes. Why not offer a specialty license plate to drivers who attend an advanced driver education program, pass a stringent, European-strength driving exam, and pay a worthwhile fee to support infrastructure improvements? [Those who do not must forever vacate the left lane or face roadside execution.] If 11-99 Foundation's membership is any indication, there are lots of drivers out there willing to pay hundreds or even thousands of dollars for the privilege to drive a little faster and perhaps flaunt a little prestige. And it puts better drivers on the road and generates more per-driver revenue for the state than speed traps! Am I missing something here?!

Of course, simple minds will squawk that it's unfair to offer privileges to some drivers and not others, but is it fair to good drivers that our laws are designed to accommodate bad drivers? Must we dumb everything down to the lowest common denominator? And then there's the speed limit evangelists: They'll argue for low speed limits in the name of equality. After all, we can't have it on our collective conscience that higher driving standards prevented an elderly, illegal immigrant from obtaining a driver's license. "Cripes, what have we come to, you insensitive pricks! In the name of humanity, slow down!" Yakety yak yak yak....

Some will call a system that rewards good drivers with additional privileges a vast government conspiracy - with or without aliens - to limit the movement (and, consequently, the reproduction) of stupid people. Works for me.

Car Computers: Do We Need More Reasons to Hate Microsoft?

2008-11-24T11:11:08Z

If you upgraded to Windows Vista, you have my sympathies. Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a brand new computer that gives you the finger and then chokes on its own vomit. And then there's the incompatibilities. My new IBM box didn't cost half as much as the software upgrades required for Vista compatibility. Some apps wouldn't 'compat' at all, requiring abandonment of old favorites for new-fangled and unfamiliar replacements. ...that don't work. No upgrade pricing.

So, why extend this frustration to your automobile, your 'baby?' Well, car computers (or "carputers," if you're übercool) promise the ultimate in on-the-go convergence, merging your favorite devices and mobile apps into one machine, and then adding sprinkles. It's a fancy new breed of PC cat. Now, if only it wouldn't pee on your upholstery.

Truth be told, the carputer revolution is bubbling. VARs are popping up to provide components and complete systems and installation. Prices range from around $600 to just over $2,000 or, if you're a sadist, you can build and install your own.

What might you do with a carputer? Here's a tease:

	GPS Navigation	Tired of upgrading your GPS every few years? Or worse, are you stuck with a built-in GPS with no upgrade path? Computer-based GPS navigation applications are routinely updated and there's plenty of competing products to choose from.
	Trapster	A broadband-enabled carputer can receive real-time speed trap alerts from Trapster.com. Your 7" touch-screen display provides a larger, more convenient map and interface than your cell phone.
	Car Audio	Dump your entire iTunes library into your carputer and take your 2,000-disc CD collection (some not even pirated) on the road. Leave your iPod player, RF transmitter and rat's nest of cables and chargers at home. Integrate a satellite radio receiver or PC-controlled AM/FM tuner. Grab podcasts, web radio and other downloadable content over a broadband connection.
	Car Theatre	Pop in a DVD and watch movies in your dash. Impress blind dates with your collection of slasher flicks. "So, like, how many times have you seen Dead Alive?" Integrate a digital or analog television receiver. Who says drive-ins are dead? Just add Sonic.
	Car Gaming	Who says you can't 'pwn' Halo newbs on the road? Please, park first.
	Performance Tuning	Display and chart real-time engine diagnostics from a carputer attached to your vehicle's ODBII port. Check out AutoTap for some sample screen shots.
	Cameras	Many carputers feature multiple video inputs, useful for security cameras, parking assistants and other James Bondian stuff. Plug in an infrared camera and your navigator can entertain himself trolling for nighttime speed traps. How 'bout a wide-angle on-ramp camera for those pesky trap-shooters hiding in your blind spot? Or, setup a 'black box' car recorder to capture all manner of highway shenanigans.
	Scanner Control	Do your mobile radio scanners attract too much attention? Does your vehicle's design preclude in-dash installation? Many scanners allow PC control, with a PC app that mimics the scanner's control panel. Install your scanner out of view but retain full functionality and control. Avoid a ticket in those states that prohibit scanners in a vehicle.
	Rally Trip Computer	If you enjoy rallies or open road races, a carputer might translate GPS location data into audible speed corrections and waypoint cues.
	Hands-Free Phone	With special software, you can control your cell phone via bluetooth.
	Live Weather	Check for weather alerts in your area, even if you don't know where 'your area' is.
	Live Traffic Reports	View real-time traffic congestion maps before you end up 'in the picture.'
	Touch-Screen Control	If you've been spoiled by touch-screen GPS displays, just imagine extending that convenience to all of the aforementioned apps.
	Voice Control	Attach a microphone to your carputer and assign voice commands to your favorite apps. Control common functions without diverting attention from the road. Report live police traps to Trapster with a single command, "Trapster Live Police." Launch iTunes with, "iTunes Play Favorites."

Do I spy drool on your chemise? Well, before you run off to Best Buy - they don't have carputers (yet) - let's discuss some of the bugs still facing early adopters:

If you've used Windows for more than a day, you know the importance of a graceful shutdown. Fortunately, carputers aren't unplugged when you pull your key from the ignition - they retire gracefully (by draining your car's battery), long after you've closed the garage door. In fact, your carputer can remain operational for a selected inactivity time-out period, for example, while you shop or perform a sobriety test.
You're also probably familiar with Windows' lethargic boot times - an unwelcome addition to car audio. To improve boot times, the carputer prefers Hibernate to Shut Down. Throw a solid state disk (SSD) at the problem, and you'll not only improve boot times but resolve the next carputer hang-up....
Hard disk failures. For whatever reason, traditional hard disks don't like being jostled about. Sure, track days are fun, but not when it means reinstalling your car's operating system. [You did backup your iTunes collection, right?] They also don't like extreme temperatures, like you might find in, say, your garage. Temperamental crap. Again, SSDs provide a worthwhile, if more expensive, alternative.
Lastly, carputer touch-screens, though cool, can be troublesome. Be sure your carputer's screen is easily readable, free from glare (or can be rotated) and can be dimmed at night. Also, be warned that some states have laws precluding the use of video entertainment systems within eyesight of the driver. Convertible owner? The previous note goes double for you; make certain your screen will be legible when the sun is high and the top is down. And remember that voice control is an unreliable alternative when driving topless. All that noise, and Windows will gleefully misinterpret "Radio Off" for "Reformat Hard Drive."

For broadband and GPS, check out Sprint's (Sierra Wireless) Compass 597. This USB antenna fulfills both requirements and, unlike old-skool PCMCIA, needn't be dongled to your carputer; it can be extended by standard USB cable to the most functional and appealing corner of your ride. Furthermore, if you demand top-notch reception, the antenna features a jack for external high-gain antennas and EVDO signal amplifiers. As of this writing, Sprint charges $60/month for the EVDO service, before discounts. Of course, if you already subscribe to Sprint's data service - for example, my laptops share an AirCard - it's a no-brainer. You pay for the antenna but otherwise surf without additional charge.

If you're looking for something more portable, something to be shared between multiple vehicles, check out some of the new ultra-mobile PCs. For example, Jensen's NVX3000PC and Samsung's Q1 put a Windows XP computer in a portable 7" touch-screen package.

For more information, check out MP3car.com. Their forums are buzzing with carputer sociopaths determined to make Windows work reliably. Adorable. There are also a handful of books on the subject, available at Amazon.com. Search for "Car PC" and "Geek My Ride."

Now, how to integrate a printer into your glove box....

Congress Ponders Prostitution Bailout

2008-11-16T11:11:15Z

If Congress bails out the American auto industry, what's next, prostitution? I mean, automobiles aren't the only industry affected by a waning economy. Without the 'fun money' we once had, Americans are buying fewer Hummers and, coincidentally, fewer hummers than before. After all, whores aren't so different from union autoworkers. What are they supposed to do when society can no longer afford an Escalade, a Hot Karl? What will put food on the table when nobody buys a Tahoe, a Rusty Trombone, a Rear Admiral? Hookers gotta eat too. I'm speaking literally, you pervert.

If I were a call girl - and I think about this lots - I'd use my powers for good. I'd be a capitalist, a pioneer in my industry. Call me “SuperStrumpet.” Rather than demand an inflated paycheck for churning out the same ol' Tea Bag, I'd invent new, visionary products and services to keep customers coming back for more. Num num num.

By contrast, the auto industry wants a juicy, slow-roasted bailout - it's all the rage. They'd like your tax dollars to pay for their mistakes. I say, call a hooker already and "get fucked!" It's high time American auto-makers were allowed to fail – that is, took one in the ass. Perhaps this will inspire them to innovate. Perhaps this will help them to recognize that unions are an antiquated, socialist construct that rewards mediocrity with inflated wages and unsustainable pensions. Union auto workers already earn three times the average wage of other Americans. What about the hookers?! How can we expect innovation and competitive spirit from a labor force paid triple for the same ol' shit? That wreaks of socialism, or maybe a Dirty Sanchez.

This week, the United Auto Workers (UAW) union will extend its hand for a piece of the $3 trillion economic bailout, claiming that the jobs ‘saved’ will help the economy. How noble. And by noble, I mean "what a bunch of whores!" If you recall, airline unions permitted employers to declare bankruptcy before offering any concessions. Call it "rough trade." A bailout would've only rewarded the extortion and prolonged the inevitable. Thanks for the tease. Now, had we known it cost so much....

Meanwhile, auto industry executives continue to receive multi-million dollar bonuses for bankrupting their companies and putting thousands of employees on the street. Talk about prostitution. These guys get paid while the workers get screwed. They enjoy a golden parachute while their employees take a golden shower. [I can do this for days; it's really quite sad.]

To hell with the Big Three auto makers. Join Congress in supporting hookers. Again.

Traffic Stop Mojo: Cop Kids

2008-11-11T09:11:47Z

Living in the Sierra has its pluses and minuses. For drivers, the mountain roads are fun, even at modest speeds. On the downside, you'll stow your Porsche for up to six months out of every year (unless, of course, your other car is a Cayenne - you smug bastard). But then, snow means skiing, the speed junkie's winter surrogate. This week, we received our first dump of Tahoe pow pow and this got me to thinking about a young snowboarder I met on a chairlift last season, the son of a Highway Patrol officer.

Yes, I shared a chair with hellspawn. My reaction? Well, three things occurred to me:

Eject him from our perch of 30' up. Listen for the thud. Laugh hysterically.
Bitch, bitch, bitch about speeding tickets. Insist he owes me lunch.
Pick his brain. Guile him into revealing the "secret word."

I chose the latter. I know, I know - "Pussy!" But then, this, it would turn out, was a worthwhile choice. This animated and outspoken child of the Dark Side revealed how he'd received three warnings for speed, but never a ticket. "Huh?!" My eyebrows lifted. "M-m-might you share your ninja secrets with this humble gaijin?" And he did.

According to this young Master, every child of a Highway Patrol officer is beaten over the head with very specific instructions to follow when stopped by the Law. That is, "dad." You see, cops know all too well that even a routine traffic stop can go awry. A hand in the wrong place. A sudden move. Your booboo's holiday goose is cooked. So, just as caring, loving hippies teach their kids how to smoke a roach without burning their fingers, cops teach their children how to behave in a traffic stop. It's all in the name of love. And, speaking of love, here it is:

When stopped for speeding, perform these steps promptly, preferably before the officer steps out of his vehicle:

Pull to the side of the road (duh).
Turn off your radio. Discontinue use of cell phones, Game Boys, Nintendo DS, Pocket Scrabble, Twister, Jarts. etc. Especially if you're the driver.
If it's dark outside, turn your overhead lights on. An officer wants to see inside your vehicle right away.
Roll your window down now. This way, your hands remain free as the officer approaches.
Turn your engine off. Are you gonna make a run for it, Clyde?
Put both hands on top of the steering wheel. Leave 'em there until asked for your license and registration.

In case you're wondering, leave your drivers license and registration where they are. You will always be asked to present these, even if the officer is in a forgiving mood. Regardless, he won't expect you to have them out ahead of time and it might look suspicious if you go tearing through your glove box unprompted. Of course, if you keep a ganked 44 or meth lab in there, go for it - you have altogether different priorities.

If you follow these steps, I'm told, "daddy" is made to feel comfortable by the simple fact that he can easily see and communicate with you. With your hands in plain view, you demonstrate that you are neither holding a bazooka nor attempting to hide anything else peculiar, like drug paraphernalia or body parts. What's more - and this is the important thing - anybody that performs these steps to the letter screams "cop kid." This may earn you some respect. When daddy's happy, everyone's happy; you might just get sent to bed with a warning. Maybe. It can't hurt.

That's the story anyways. It's amazing, what you can learn on a chairlift.

Then, I pushed him off.

What 'Universal Health Care' Means for Motorists

2008-10-26T06:10:43Z

Bend over, motorists; it's time for your free, state-funded prostate exams. No, it's not optional. In a world of socialized, er, "universal" health care, the freedom to neglect your sex organs at taxpayers' expense will end. And that's not all. "Mwuhahaha!!!" The freedom to endanger yourself in so many creative ways, called "living" by most, will almost certainly be outlawed. Skiing? Phfft! Rollerblading? Nope. Trail hiking? Perhaps if you wear a hermetically sealed bubble-suit; you wouldn't want to contract AIDs from a mosquito.

And then there's driving. If you think helmet and seatbelt laws serve only to undermine Natural Selection, then you're gonna hurl yesterday's waffles for this next round of genetic sabotage; it's like putting stupidity on the endangered species list. At this rate, humanity will become so completely witless that we will require special robotic implants just to prevent us from choking on our own fingers.

What does universal socialism, er, I mean "universal health care" really mean for motorists? Well, when everyone pays for your health care, you can bet that everyone will demand your wellness. After all, its vital to the economy. [Oddly enough, death isn't. So, go out and die; just don't hurt yourself.] Motorists can expect a crusade, operating under the banner of "safety reform," that will hunt down and kill everything you enjoy about driving. Here's a preview:

Watch for a new federally-mandated speed limit; something in the neighborhood of 2 MPH. Those caught exceeding the limit will be warned by Highway Patrol, asked to dig a hole, and then shot.
DMV safety inspections will take 72 hours to complete. No vehicle, new or old, will pass.
The next generation of "smart cars" will be much smarter than you. [Remember, "robotic finger implants."] As such, humans will relinquish the wheel to annoying animatronic drivers, a la "Johnny Cab." On the positive side, by 2047, your robot driver can be upgraded to kick the robot driver's ass in front of you.
Vehicles caught without a speed governor will be impounded. Owner pays $200 fine. Car is crushed.
Owners of tricked-out Subarus - I'm looking at you, dude with neo-Tokyo paint job and black lights - will be interned in shock-therapy clinics and forced to watch Cannonball Run again and again, until the mere thought of speed (and Burt Reynolds) sparks uncontrolled vomiting.
Highway Patrol will issue citations for "looking fast." Yellow is outlawed.

Some socialists, er, hippies, er, uh, "supporters of universal health care" will argue that the current health care system is flawed. Others will counter that the system works just dandy (especially if you're rich). For example, let's say you've just run over yourself while backing out of the driveway (it happens - Google it). After a few short weeks of bureaucracy, the insurance company pays to reconstruct your squashed rectum. Done. Do it again and your insurance premiums go up. We call this "accountability." Socialists call it unfair. After all, anything so stupid as running over yourself must be somebody else's fault.

And speaking of stupidity, let's look at the socialist's, er, the universal flower child's approach to healthcare. You run over yourself; not once, not twice, but forty-three times. You don't pay! Not once. Not twice. Never! How groovy is that?! Instead, the taxpayers (especially, those evil, rich fuckers) pay for everything. Now that's living the American dream.

Well, sorta. And by "sorta," I mean "wake up, Comrade!" With everyone rushing to the hospital for "free" treatment of their ingrown toenails, pimples and sex-change operations, your flattened pooper may have to wait in line. 'Til June. Next June. And then there's the small matter of your tax dollars paying for everyone else's mutilated poop shoot. If you Googled as I asked, then you realize we're looking at a lotta flat colon. Wouldn't you rather just pay for your own?

Needless to say, America's highways are already a model of socialism, er, "universal health care" - no, wait, I actually had it right this time - "socialism." But just wait until universal health care has everyone cuckoo for your safety - bless their little hearts. You can kiss the 'joys of the road' g'bye.

Happy voting.

And, for the last time, get your fingers out of your mouth!

Virginia is for ♥ Radar Detectors

2008-10-04T04:10:00Z

I grew up on Germany's Autobahn and, like so many Army brats, later settled into the 'burbs of our nation's murder capitol, Washington, D.C. Springfield, Virginia, to be precise, and if you know the spot, please don't hold it against me. From a young motorist's perspective, this was a punch in the nuts, moving from a society that appreciates and respects speed to another that demonizes it. To top things off, Virginia was one of only two states (and DC, murder capitol) in our country to operate a long-standing ban on radar detectors. [Connecticut would repeal its ban in 1998.] One speeding ticket later, I would raise a finger to the establishment, purchase my first Escort radar detector (about the size and weight of Earth's moon) and drive, baby drive, in defiance of state law, for seventeen years.

This, it would turn out, was a good gamble. I would receive only two more speeding tickets (or any tickets, for that matter) in that time. If this fails to impress, then you don't fully comprehend this driver's addiction. By the time I had reached my professional years, so devoted had I become to the driving 'experience' that I would choose my employers for their commute. So skewed were my priorities, I would finagle my first Porsche while still residing in low-income housing. In those final years in and about DC, creative job selection awarded me the luxury of cruising the Dulles Access road, against commuter traffic, at somewhere between 90 and 110 MPH. Every morning. Two speeding tickets in seventeen years.

Needless to say, those radar detectors - I upgraded regularly - sleuthed out billions (give or take) of speed traps and saved this Autobahn offspring from countless undeserved citations. What's more, Virginia's ban on radar detectors improved my advantage, being that highway patrol officers were less likely to employ instant-on radar against a public presumed to be without defenses (and sense). [I suspect they've gotten wise by now.] What punishments did I receive for operating a detector in Virginia? None. In fact, in both instances where I was cited for speeding, Virginia Highway Patrol acknowledged my detector (to the tune of, "Good evening sir, may I please see your license and... uh oh, what is that?") but neither confiscated the offending device nor threatened a spanking, even when cited for 89 in a 55 MPH zone, automatically a "reckless driving" misdemeanor in the state. And by "automatically," I mean it was thrown out in court. That's good, if slightly weird. I mean, just how many other ordinances does Virginia have on the books that go unenforced? I guess some folks just like making rules. Legislative farts.

So, by any measure (of speeding tickets), this was a good return on investment. Today, the stakes are much higher, owing to Virginia's obscene $2,000 "speeding" fines. Let's not hold our breath waiting for residents to overturn that turkey, given their cow-like acceptance of the radar detector ban. Instead, we should all barrel through the state at 385 MPH, just to piss everyone off. You see, there's no $2,000 fine for out-of-state drivers, so its a well-deserved poke in the eye to Virginians. Furthermore, your reduced point value means that your vehicle is far less-attractive to the local law, so flaunt it. "Eat my out-of-state plate, fucknobs!" ...and then toss your uneaten Big Mac out the moon roof. [It's biodegradable.] By contrast, if you're Virginian, you can either fight this thing - the rest of the country is counting on you - or its time to purchase and install a well-concealed radar detector (with VG2 cloaking). I recommend both.

And, for cripes sake, clean that crap off your car!

Press your Gas Pump's 'Clear' Button, or Die!

2008-09-26T01:09:51Z

Some people love to be hoaxed by 12-year-olds. How else can we explain the rampant witlessness demonstrated by so many e-mail users? Today, I received yet another message alerting the world to some new-fangled nonsense, forwarded to me by an excitable neighbor whose computer should, by right, be revoked and its harddisk low-level formatted. According to this li'l morsel of digital upchuck, drivers are warned to press the "Clear" button when done at the gas pump. Otherwise, it is alleged, the next driver (or, more likely, the station owner's toothless cousin) can fill his tank on your credit card. After all, you never said, "Simon Says, I'm done pumping gas." What a 'tard.

Needless to say, when you begin any credit card transaction and, for whatever reason, choose to abort, you'll want to hit that shiny "Cancel" or "Clear" button. Then again, if you need reminding on this subtle point, you're probably pouring gasoline on your shoes right now or, worse, driving off with the nozzle still in your tank. Or both. And if you're so petroleum-function challenged, should you really be driving a car?

For clarification - you did want clarification, right? - here's the variant of this e-mail hoax I received:

Hey Guys, Gals

Read this note very carefully. I did not know about the clear button,
but I will be pushing the clear button before I swipe my gas or debit
card and after just to be safe.

People are getting really desperate due to the constantly rising gas
prices.

A friend just told me about something that happened to one of his
co-workers.

She used her credit/debit card to purchase gas at the pump (like most
of us do). She received her receipt like normal.

However, when she checked her statement, there were 2 $50 charges added
in addition to her purchase. Upon investigation, she found out that
because she did not press the 'clear' button on the pump, the employee
inside the store was able to use her card to purchase his/her o wn gas!

To keep this from happening, after you get your receipt, you must press
the 'CLEAR' button or your information will be stored until the next
customer inserts their card. Be sure to tell all your friends/family so
that this doesn't happen to them!

(**I had never noticed the clear button but I got gas the other day and
sure enough it is there. I will be using it from now on....)

Who knew that Americans had become so "desperate" at the pumps? It's only a matter of time now; we'll be forced to live underground and eat our own flesh. Don't bother with your 401(k); it's already gone. Call your folks to promise them you'll carry on the family line in the new world. But if we must crawl in a hole, I vote - the new world will be democratic or I'm not coming out - I vote that we first eat the people who fall for this shit. And Janeane Garofalo.

Pass the chutney. Sorry. Simon says, pass the chutney.

Nevada Promotes Speeding Tickets

2008-08-28T12:08:52Z

Oh, just pluck out my eyeballs and spray Cheez Whiz in there. It's Olympics time and, out of character, I'm tuned into my local NBC affiliate, hookin' up with the Redeem Team for some international hoops ownage. "Let's do some ball, byotch!" And then, it happens: a commercial advertisement from our good friends at the Department of Public Safety, demonstrating some fartnob doing 65 MPH in a 25 MPH residential area. Bathed in triumphant needle-drop music, the villain is apprehended by no less than five-thousand motorcycle cops. [Been there, done that.] I bring up my first mouthful of popcorn. The PSA concludes, "Slow down, Nevada. We're watching you," or some Orwellian, Stingesque crap like that. I run to the kitchen for some rat poison.

Does anybody else see a problem with states promoting speed traps on television? It's bad enough that good, safe drivers are regularly kicked in the nutsack for no good reason, but now our tax dollars are funding propaganda that will only further perpetuate this cycle of indiscriminate state-sponsored robbery. Some will call this a "PSA." [Some have the collective intelligence of a throat culture.] Others, and particularly those who've taken a college-level course in journalism, will recognize these tenets of propaganda:

Emphasize your perspective
Dehumanize your enemy
Promote fear
Truth is for pussies; all that matters is you

It's all there. In the aforementioned PSA, our subject fartnob is hidden behind tinted glass. It's not you or me behind the wheel; it's Christine, a driverless, demon-possessed automobile from the 7th level of hell. Ya gotta love Highway Patrol for protecting us from Satan. And, unlike the rest of us, Satan enjoys a high-speed romp through your neighborhood. "What about the children?!" Thank goodness, our state-sponsored angels of speed-enforcement are here to save them (and your dog) from the devil. God love 'em. But then, Highway Patrol works highways, right? What's my dog got to do with it? Leave Buster alone, you perverts!

The truth of the matter is this (never mind what I said about truth): Highway Patrol isn't charged with protecting your neighborhood from drunken hot-rodders, but is certainly interested in protecting your bank account from money. With money, states can employ more police officers. More police officers means more money. By 2057, everyone will work for Highway Patrol.

Four out of five doctors agree* that speed, alone, doesn't kill. Sure, if you drive fast enough, you can spontaneously combust but, more typically, speed only amplifies the damage resulting from other driver errors. Do you hear me, teenage titwad on cell phone? Do you hear me, Mr. passive-aggressive tailgater? Where's the PSA for "Pay Attention While Changing Lanes" and "Slower Traffic Keep Right?" Now that would be a welcome expenditure of my tax dollars.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. Let's play some ball!

* Unverified

Stationary Speed Traps Rise with Gas Prices

2008-08-22T02:08:16Z

Ever wonder how many tax dollars are spent scooting Highway Patrol vehicles about? Well, more now than before, thanks to those naughty oil speculators and their wee influence on fuel prices. Because of this, some states are modifying their highway enforcement strategies, favoring stationary positions over roving vehicles. Driving this decision is not only the cost of fuel, but the realization that fuel-efficient vehicles aren't up to the challenge of routine law-enforcement activities. Imagine Orange County police chasing OJ in a fleet of Priuses. Or is it "Prii?" "Gaggle of Priaux?!" Whatever.

What does this mean for the legions of drivers who exceed posted speed limits? On the positive side, stationary speed traps work better with social defenses (e.g., flashing headlights, Trapster). On the downside, a well-chosen hiding place is about as predictable as polyps in your rectum (and almost as fun). And, following the analogy, these traps can be much more difficult to detect than an officer raging towards you in the opposite lane, radar blazing kilorads of microwave goodness into your detector (and brain) and, more importantly, everyone else's in your path. That's some good warning you won't get from a sneaky, stationary speed trap.

But, on a higher level, what truly bothers me about this change in Highway Patrol kung fu is this: Officers who would normally mingle with traffic, exercising their sensory faculties in determining and addressing bad drivers and unsafe conditions are now sitting idle, focused almost exclusively on speeders. I mean, how drunk must you be to gain the attention of a stationary HP officer? And what's the message here? "Get drunk. Drive. But watch your speed." Highway Patrol, my ass.

So, let's take advantage of this where we can, people. Share the love (flash your headlights). Join Trapster, if you haven't already. And, for cripes sake, get regular colonoscopies.