Oh, just pluck out my eyeballs and spray Cheez Whiz in there. It's Olympics time and, out of character, I'm tuned into my local NBC affiliate, hookin' up with the Redeem Team for some international hoops ownage. "Let's do some ball, byotch!" And then, it happens: a commercial advertisement from our good friends at the Department of Public Safety, demonstrating some fartnob doing 65 MPH in a 25 MPH residential area. Bathed in triumphant needle-drop music, the villain is apprehended by no less than five-thousand motorcycle cops. [Been there, done that.] I bring up my first mouthful of popcorn. The PSA concludes, "Slow down, Nevada. We're watching you," or some Orwellian, Stingesque crap like that. I run to the kitchen for some rat poison.

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Ever wonder how many tax dollars are spent scooting Highway Patrol vehicles about? Well, more now than before, thanks to those naughty oil speculators and their wee influence on fuel prices. Because of this, some states are modifying their highway enforcement strategies, favoring stationary positions over roving vehicles. Driving this decision is not only the cost of fuel, but the realization that fuel-efficient vehicles aren't up to the challenge of routine law-enforcement activities. Imagine Orange County police chasing OJ in a fleet of Priuses. Or is it "Prii?" "Gaggle of Priaux?!" Whatever.

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