Have you ever bothered to notice the bumper stickers on cars driven by assholes?  Much to my detriment, I tend to remember these things.  For example, in the past year, I can recall some of the rudest and most dangerous drivers encountered merely by virtue of their bumper stickers:

• Bush Lied!
• Obama '08
• Proud to be Meat Free
  
• Fox News:  The More You Watch, The Less You Know
  

I particularly enjoyed this last one.  It was one of no fewer than fifty bumper stickers pasted over every square inch of a Subaru Outback.  Clearly, this woman had a lot to say (or she's clinically A.D.D.).  I couldn't take in the rest, because I was preoccupied with avoiding the tart as she careened through a red light with cell phone in ear.  I don't care where she gets her news; she clearly knows less of driving than the rest of us.  And she'll never know how close her self-righteous noggin came to impaction, but for being saved by the skill and awareness of a moderate conservative.  Life isn't fair.  Maybe one of her bumper stickers says, "Sorry I'm such a stupid fucknob."  I'll never know.

By the end of '08, I had made a game of watching the driving habits of the various bumper stickers.  It became quickly evident that "McCain - Palin" stickers, if fewer in number, were far more likely to yield the left lane to faster traffic (cough!) than were "Obama - Biden" stickers.  What's more, "Obama - Biden" stickers were much more likely to return a middle finger when presented with one.  They were also more likely to call the cops when presented with a half-empty Big Gulp to their windshields.  Assholes.

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Studies in the fields of psychology and artificial intelligence have reported that certain physical characteristics relate to higher intelligence levels in humans.  Chief among these are rapid speech patterns, fast eye movement, frequent blinking, and humor.  We'll dismiss humor outright, being that Janeane Garofalo is a successful comedian, but clearly an idiot.  Then again, she's not particularly funny, so the scientists may still have it right.  Nonetheless, humor doesn't support our forthcoming premise, so we'll follow the modern news media's example and overlook certain facts, because they don't "work" for us.

This leaves us with fast speech, fast eyes and fast lids - all indicators of higher-than-average intelligence.  Clearly, there's a pattern here.  Certain physical events, performed quickly, indicate a quick mind.  Never mind masturbation.  How about driving?  Professional drivers, operating at speeds of 140 MPH and higher - often much higher - collect and process two to three times the volume of information of regular drivers in a given moment.  Throw into this mix a few dozen other Mensa maniacs, all competing for the same patch of asphalt, and you've multiplied the problem of staying alive (not to forget, winning the race) by a few hundred times.  That's a lot of megaflops.

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Next to highway patrol, a fast driver's greatest threat is probably the road rager (self-importántus assholédias).  This breed of driver worships the left lane, not for its pace, but for its prestige.  He (or she - believe me - or she) sees the highway as a grand equalizer of the social classes and an opportunity to establish a higher rank for himself (or herself) in the natural order.  As in the primal world, such confrontations can be bloody.  Fortunately, for the alert driver, spotting these birds of prey in the wild isn't too difficult - watch for these tell-tale indicators:

• Driver occupies the left lane in the absence of other traffic (I call them "buoys")
  
• Accelerates in response to faster traffic, rather than safely vacating the left lane
• Checks mirrors too frequently.  This often leads to...
  
• Two words:  "Uncomfortable eye-contact"  (Okay, three words)
  
• Upon entering the highway, crosses abruptly to the left lane, and sometimes...
  
• Crosses solid shoulder markers to "beat" other mergers to the left lane
• Exits the highway from the left lane

All together now:  "What an asshole!"

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If you're anything like me, you're a complete idiot.  Granted, we all dabble in idiocy from time to time, but I'm what you call "a professional."  For example, only an idiot would affix a Garmin StreetPilot 2620 GPS navigation unit to the dashboard of a Porsche 996 using the company's "permanent" double-sided adhesive disk.  All together now:  "What an idiot!"

In my defense, Garmin's StreetPilot 2620 was the height of innovation - something to be proud of, something to glue to your most expensive automobile, if not your forehead.  Furthermore, every safety-conscious driver knows that it's bad news to put anything on your dashboard "that isn't glued down."  This is especially true if you employ your GPS in rallies or other open road races where safety inspectors will reject anything stuck to your dash that isn't "permanent."  Nonetheless, by today's standards, this GPS unit is an embarrassing pimple.  It's time to squeeze.

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If you upgraded to Windows Vista, you have my sympathies. Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a brand new computer that gives you the finger and then chokes on its own vomit. And then there's the incompatibilities. My new IBM box didn't cost half as much as the software upgrades required for Vista compatibility. Some apps wouldn't 'compat' at all, requiring abandonment of old favorites for new-fangled and unfamiliar replacements. ...that don't work.  No upgrade pricing.

So, why extend this frustration to your automobile, your 'baby?' Well, car computers (or "carputers," if you're übercool) promise the ultimate in on-the-go convergence, merging your favorite devices and mobile apps into one machine, and then adding sprinkles. It's a fancy new breed of PC cat. Now, if only it wouldn't pee on your upholstery.

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